Monday, March 21, 2005

Strum Strum Strum
I ended up getting my period yesterday which would explain my last entry. I really miss that time in my life where bleeding from my vagina didn't cause me to have emotional breakdowns. Even more so than that though I miss not bleeding from my vagina at all. I hate the fact that I have to wear underwear and that eating anything that isn't green and garden fresh will make me throw up. I threw up three french fries last night. THREE!!! This is why women get bitter. I was still feeling very horrible this morning and ended up missing my Humanities test. Not to mention that my hair looks like I just stuck my finger in an electrical socket. And I'm starving but I'm afraid that if I eat anything I'll enjoy too much I'll have to taste it again on it's way up and that's no fun. Did you know after that after a woman gives birth she has her period for approximately 40 days. Reason enough to not have children in my oppinion. Adoption is the key, who doesn't want an adorable little Asian baby?!?!?!!! I'm ferociously horny.

Survey Says!!!

Ten Current Favorite Songs
1.: Lost in the Plot by the Dears
2.: Unconditional by the Bravery
3.: This Charming Man by The Smiths
4.: Alive! With The Glory of Love by Say Anything
5.: Little Sister by Queens of the Stoneage
6.: Love Out Me by Siouxie and The Banshees
7.: Soul Mining by The The
8.: Obstacle 1 by Interpol
9.: Joga by Björk
10.: Tonight Let's Dance by Elefant
Nine Favorite Artists
1.: Dali
2.: Stravinsky
3.: Munch
4.: Lichtenstien
5.: Björk
6.: Shin Takahashi
7.: Fafi
8.: Luigi Russolo
9.: Braque
Eight Favorite Movies
1.: Mujeres al Borde de un Ataque de Nervios
2.: The Nightmare Before Christmas
3.: La Femme Nikita
4.: Leon, The Professional
5.: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
6.: Kill Bill
7.: Donnie Darko
8.: Sleeping Beauty
Seven Favorite Actors/Actresses
1.: Ben Kingsley
2.: Jean Reno
3.: Gabriel Garcia Marquez
4.: Carmen Maura
5.: Emily Watson
6.: Juliette Binoche
7.: Franka Potente
Six Lyrics That Say Something About Your Life or the way you Feel:
1.: And in the darkened underpass
I thought O god my chance has come at last
But then a strange fear gripped me
And I just couldn't ask
2.: I hold the whole world accused
I've only got myself to blame
I wonder why, I never wonder why
The easiest things are so hard
3.: Sick of always working
Longing for a sinking ship
That rules at the bottom of the sea
Bottle as a prison not really my idea of the perfect environment
4.: Now it's time for changing and cleansing everything
5.: Loser looking for his lucky break
6.: But if you want me, it's cool
You can take me for a fool
I could slow down if you want me to
But just for you, just for you, just for you...
Five Favorite Books
1.: A Wild Sheep Chase
2.: The Satanic Verses
3.: The Perks of Being a Wallflower
4.: Coinlocker Babies
5.: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Four Favorite TV Shows
1.: The OC
2.: Daria
3.: Family Guy
4.: Whose Line is it Anyway?
Three Favorite Authors
1.: JD Salinger
2.: Salmon Rushdie
3.: Murakami
Two Songs You Hate
1.: Pieces of You
2.: Lean Back
One Famous Person You Can't Stand!
1.: You can't pink just one!
Comments (2) | Permalink

Sunday, March 20, 2005

My Pain is Mine
I'm feeling odd at the moment. Do you know how horrible it is to know that nothing good will ever come of keeping your hopes up. It's pretty fucking horrible, heh. I'm not in what would be necessarily considered a bad mood, I'm just thinking a lot and... I want someone ::shrugs:: I saw Interpol last night, at least, though. It was great, really laid back and perfect. I was toward the front so I managed to get some good shots of the band that I'm supposed to be putting up somewhere. I'm going to see Say Anything March 29th. It's only ten bucks and I really want to, so yea, fuck you Tony. I got a very nice t-shirt at the show last night as well, the jelly fish one on their site. Q and not U were the opening act. They weren't bad, but they were hilarious. I don't know, he wipped out a flute and started rocking out. It didn't sound bad, but it's me. I laugh at stupid things, I can't help it. When I listen to Say Anything I can't help but ask myself, "Why doesn't he love me anymore?" It gets pretty bad and pathetic and I'm not sure why I do these things to myself. I'm completely used to the fact that it's not happening, I have no hopes, but I can't stop thinking about him anyway. I want to look at him, just that, just have that much because really I got so little for how much this hurts. I'm trying, they say that's what matters. I'm waiting for things to get better. I'm thirteen minutes away from 4am. I was supposed to study today but instead I went to some party with my sister where I wasn't allowed to get drunk, not that I wanted to anyway. Everyone decided to pick up on why I'd fail miserably at living on my own. I don't care, I'm better at managing money at the very least. How do things that aren't even mildly associated with people manage to remind you of them. Jesus Christ. Muse is coming to Boca and I wanted to go, I have to call FAU though so yes. I need a fucking job :/
Comments (6) | Permalink

Friday, March 18, 2005

sex
I watched a show on the Discovery channel last night, Anatomy of Sex or something very similar to that. It was a good show, more about the responces your body has when you're having sex with someone you love as opposed to the really technical aspects of it. They had this heat sensor footage of a couple having sex which just struck me as odd really and this brain scan of what happening in the brain of someone who's madly in love. They did this experiment where a man and a women sit together in a room and first they watch a "feel good movie" then porn then a scary movie and then porn again. The man was a lot more turned on toward the end than he had been in the beginning and the woman wasn't. Apparently one out of every five human beings finds anxiety to be a turn on. I'm guessing that's why people like to have sex in public places heh. Anyway, they had really nice footage of people having sex. They were very well done in a artistic sense. So yea, I'm horny and I want to have sex with someone I love :/ I've gotten to this point where doing it myself just isn't any good. It feels empty and pathetic, kind of. I hope I don't do anything really stupid that I'll end up regreting.

I went to Burdines which is now turning into Macy's sadly, the end of an era!!! Anyway, I went to Burdines/Macy's yesterday and convinced my mom to buy me some dark blue Donna Karen jeans with her card. My booty looks real nice in them and they're so comfortable which is really what matters. I also bought this red t-shirt with Yoshi on the front and it says "sweet" and then on the back toward the lower right hand corner of the shirt there's the little mushroom guy who's name I forgot Toad and it says "cute." It's too small for my breast though :( so I have to exchange it. Hopefully I can do that today so I won't have to look for something to wear to the Interpol concert. I'm lazy and my rooms a mess. I need to clean my converse, they're way way way past that "cool" dirty look. They're just plain dirty now so yea. I have an insane amount of studying to do this weekend so I'm gonna be a good girl and get started now... soon. I'm hungry, though. I could really go for a hot dog, hmm.
Comments (8) | Permalink

Thursday, March 17, 2005

Theme
It's 8:13am, I'm in between classes currently. I wrote a story last night. It was supposed to be an English assignment, but it kind of ended up being for me instead. I like a lot, about a foresty place and a dead boyfriend. It's not perfect yet, but I like it a lot anyway. Maybe I'll put it up somewhere, who knows. I'm feeling romantic and nostalgic which are bad things to feel in the long run. I got my mp3 player in the mail yesterday afternoon though, earlier than I expected and I'm really very happy. Only thing is the headphones hurt my ears, but I'll get around to buying a new set eventually. Hopefully. Concert tomorrow=happiness as well. New Order is on Saturday and it makes me sad that I can't go. Having no money is so not cool. I need to find me a rich benefactor fast. I'm off to class now, maybe I'll edit in more stuff later. Maybe.
Comments (5) | Permalink

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Back Burner Full
I'm in the computer lab at school right now. I have a Jazz Concert to go to for extra credit in Humanities and I'm killing time 'til that starts. I've been pretty busy for the most part these last couple of days. Lots of papers and I have tests for three of my four classes on Monday and Tuesday. What's really freaking me out is that I have Math and Psychology on the same day and those are by far the subjects I have the most trouble with. I'm trying to divide my time equally between them. It's so sad to say but I think I have a better chance of passing math with an A than I do of passing psychology with a B. Whatever time I have that is not spent doing homework or studying has been devoted to sleeping. After pulling in those extra hours for the paper on Nijinsky this past weekend my sleeping schedule went completely out of whack. I kind of just sleep when my body feels like it right now, which is funnily enough whenever I have any free time and thus I don't get a chance to do anything I like. It's so sad. However, on a brighter note, this Friday is the Interpol concert. I've been really looking forward to this, I haven't been to a show in a while. I miss it. I need to leave the house for a while. On yet another note, I've been trying to push a long my writing. It's coming along nicely I think. It's hard to tell where I want to go. I just write maniacally one day and edit maniacally the other. It works.

As for the lyrics thing in my last entrie. Charlie as usual got most out of everyone correct, (although he did guess a couple wrong). Whatever the case I've decided that Blinky wins because after the disapointment of nobody noticing my Dears thread at OB it's nice to know someone did and they actually looked up a song. So there, go Blinky!!
Comments (11) | Permalink

Friday, March 11, 2005

Lost In the Plot
Today I'm tired. It's technically Friday and I've decided I'm skipping school. I was all over Miami looking for Nijinsky, until I finally found it in a Block Buster near or around Butt Fuck Egypt. We had to open an account just to get it. The things I do for Humanities ::sighs:: Alan says I look like an elegant porn star and I'm not sure if that's a compliment... but it doesn't feel like one :/ In other news, I like weekends. I really do, there's something magical about sleeping in. I took my mom to a restaraunt. She got mildly drunk on Margaritas and was trying to hook me up with out waiter. "Sarah, take off your sweat shirt so he can see you have big boobs." I really love my mom, she makes for a good story. I probably won't be on as much this weekend because I have so much homework to do. Blah. I really have nothing else to say. I'm so interesting! Boys are boggling my mind at the moment. I stayed up doing this thing with the lyrics because I was in the mood to. So guess people. :)

EDIT: I forgot the most important thing about today. My sister Lucy bought me this. I should be recieving it in 6-8 business days and am very excited. I love it when she gets into one of her giving moods. Moreover, don't don't forget to guess ::batts eyelashes::

1)Bokkie by Elefant
And people tell you you’re pretty
You’re smile drives them crazy lady
You wanna slowly fade away
But you can’t so you stay with me

2)Zoo Station by U2
In the cool of the night
In the warm of the breeze
I’ll be crawling around
On my hands and knees

3)Girl Afraid by The Smiths
Boy afraid
Prudence never pays
And everything she wants costs money

4)Sarangi by Hooverphonic
Hesitate it’s normal
You can’t erase mistakes
Hesistate it’s normal
I can’t keep awake

5)Breathe by Depeche Mode
Put your little hand in mine
And believe in love
Put your head on my chest
And breathe love

6)Flames by Vast
Just put me inside you
I would never ever leave
Just put me inside you
I would never ever leave you

7)Spinal Remains by The Misfits
This isn’t really sex. This isn’t really life.
This isn’t really anything I think I like.
And I will not sit on glass
Not for you or anyone
I will not cut my fucking ass

8)All Over The World by The Pixies
A plain with no herd
Not even a bird
When one side is hot
The other side of the moon is not

9)When You Smile by Concrete Blonde
I dreamed last night I was born a hundred years ago
But when I woke up I was lost with only one place to go
When you smile I don’t know what to do
Cause I could lose everything in a minute or two

10)Me and Mia by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists
But don’t forget what it really means to hunger strike
When you don’t really need to
Some are dying for a cause, but that don’t make it yours

11)Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division
Why is the bedroom so cold
Turned away on your side
Is my timing that flawed
Our respect run so dry?

12)What's Going On by Marvin Gaye
Father Father
We don’t need to escalate
You see war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we’ve got to find a way
To bring some loving here today

13)Sick Child by Siouxie and the Banshees
Melancholia colliding out of mind
In a silver swirl I take a lungful in
Blow a fistful out if you could say you will

14)Absence of God by Rilo Kiley
Folk singers sing songs for the working baby
We’re just recreation for all those doctors and lawyers
There’s no relief for the bleeding heart
‘Cause they’ll be losing bodies tonight

15)Cocoon by Björk
Who would’ve known that a boy like him
Posessed of magical sensitivity
Would aproach a girl like me
Who caresses
Cradles
His head in a bosom

16)Silvergun Superman by STP
I can hear when the pig whispers sweetly
Jealousy is the weapon you kill me
Keep a dime for a truth you might tell

17)Spread by Outkast
Was the first, let's rehearse making a baby
Put in your order, I want a baby daughter
Dance on the tip of my tongue
Shake the clouds until there's no more wetness in them

18)Moder Romance by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
In time, time is gone
Never lasts, stops who he was
Well I was wrong
Never lasts

19)Hanging Garden by The Cure
Catching haloes on the moon
Gives my hands the shapes of angels
In the heat of the night
The animals scream
In the heat of the night
Walking into a dream

20)Lost in the Plot by The Dears
Take me for a drive to the coastline
Pull me to the depths of the sea
Leave me in the middle of the ocean
I can walk the rest of the way
But I promise not to cry anymore
Although reasons beat the crap out of me
Everyday when I wake up
They are waiting
But I promise not to cry anymore
Comments (13) | Permalink

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Why Can't I Get Just One Screw
Ah glorious Thursday :) There was no school today so I got to sleep in and I feel nice and cozy all over. I have a lot to do tonight, but they can wait. We're trying to figure out what we're going to do tomorrow night. We were supposed to go to the PawnShop Lounge but they changed their policy to 21+. Damn old people. So yea, I'm thinking I, myself, am not doing anything. I'm not in much of a group outing mood heh. I'd rather stay home and watch movies or something equally laid back and boring. Opinions may change by the time tomorrow swings around though so who knows. I don't like planning stuff, it never works out. That heat of the moment thing seems to be more convenient.

I'm horny.

Edit: I hate this entry. I'm not sure why but I hate it's gut and I hope it explodes. I'm also hungry, btw.
Comments (5) | Permalink

Wednesday, March 9, 2005

In The Hanging Garden
I'm in school waiting for Kristie to get out of math so we can gossip in the car about penises and hair products, like we girls like to do. We watched the Rite of Spring in Humanities and I have the score by Stravinsky pounding in my head. I think my math teacher loves me despite the obvious lack of attention I pay in his class. He noticed I was absent yesterday, said he needed me to score another perfect score on the next test or something. We're going over factorization now and I've finally got the hang of it. I'm not so horrible at math as that placement test led me to believe. It's rigged I tell you. I have a paper due for Humanities on Monday. It's on Nijinsky but I've had wrotten luck finding the movie or any movie on the era anywhere. I'm worried because I want A's. I tried to register for my summer semester but apparently I owe the school $25.20. I'm not sure why but yea, I need to get that figured out.

I'm thinking a lot about things and people and places. I think someone has a crush on me. It's nice to know you're thought about every once in a while ^_~;; I haven't quite decided what I think about the picture I put of my redheaded-ness in the last entry. Sometimes I like it, sometime I feel like my face goes on for too long... I don't know if that makes sense heh. Whatever the case I do like my red hair, even when I forget to brush it like I did today. I've got that untamed just out of bed look going for me. I bought some books and they make me really excited. I love to read. I also wrote some last night and I feel sure about what I wrote. I love to write. The house has been so peaceful without my dad. Although, it makes me worry to think that he'll be coming back and things will be twice as bad. I'm spending most of my days with Alex. My mom says, "I wonder why he loves you so much?" and my sister says, "Because that's the only one she loves." She fell asleep on the couch the other day and I gave him a ruler and told him to hit her with it. He did and hilarity ensued.

Right now at this exact moment I really like myself. I'm ok :)
Comments (10) | Permalink

Monday, March 7, 2005

Sunshine Lollipops
Things happen and I somehow managed to score a 94 on my last math exam, the highest score in the class :D I’m so insanely extatic about it, even now, hours later. I feel like a fucking genius. A dead sexy genius, I tell you. Maybe it’s the hair but so many boys hit on me today. None were attractive except for this really pretty nerdy blonde with glasses at the library. Hm, I feel pretty ^_^;; AND my dad left to Nicaragua today so the house is just completely stress free. No more fighting, no more yelling, no more hate crimes. O the joy. Today was marvelous. And GOD DAMN IT, it’s only Monday!!! I hope the rest of this week is as great as today was, I really do. There’s no school on Thursday and I’m contemplating being a bad girl and taking Friday off from school so I can have me one of them four day weekends. Hm hm hm. Happiness ^_^!!

I've decided that I give up. Sure I care about him and I never will stop, but I give up on the romantic stuff. It's better to think that I'll never have him than to think that I could have him if I did this or that. So many guys want me lately but can't have me and it's a real blow to all of me that the one boy that can have me completely and utterly just doesn't want me, but... his loss or something, right? I can't keep dreaming about him anymore, it's just no good for me because it's not mutual. I've decided to stop expecting some sort of miracle. I care about him, I mean you can't just stop... or maybe I can't just stop, but I don't have anymore romantic aspirations. I figure if he's happy, that's really enough for me so yes. I quit. Let the boys come to me ::nods sagely::

And that's about it for today. Look it's me!!

Comments (6) | Permalink

Sunday, March 6, 2005

Morning Sunshine
I love how people sneakishly open my door so they can see what I'm doing and then yell at me about it. What I love even more though, is when they leave the door open after they walk away. Wow, I love it. ::blood vessel pops::

I woke up in a really horrible state today and I can't explain why. I think that whole "I'm in love with a person that doesn't really give a rat's ass about me" is starting to get to me. Much more than I should've allowed it to. I know I shouldn't depend on him to make me feel okay anymore, I know, but how do you just stop. That's really, that's my biggest question. How do you just fucking stop? I mean I've tried that whole replacement deal and I've tried becoming a lesbian and it just, it all just comes back to him. You think now being in contact with him will make things better but it doesn't. It just makes thing worse because he's always there, inside my head, kicking things around. I wonder if he ever really notices. I want to mean something to him. I know how pathetic that is of me and I hate myself for it. It's all just really confusing. I wish there were a manual. I really don't like myself right now... ::shrugs::

I'm tired of this constant me-ness. I dyed my hair last night, red. It looks ok, it's not as red as I would've liked it to be but it looks good anyway. I think I may intensify it, I'm not sure yet. It looks nice though, I mean the hair itself. My mom said I was gonna dry it out, but it looks pretty soft and shiny and it feels soft and... shiny so yea lol. I also got my check card yesterday. I went to Wal*Mart and I wanted to buy so many things. I didn't though, be proud. It was mostly movies. Bambi, and Season One of Gargoyles, Alice in Wonderland, Donnie Darko and yea, a couple of things. A lot cheaper than they are at Best Buy too. I've decided to hold back on buying anything until I have some semblance of a steady job though. Hopefully before the end of this month too, so yea. I should be able to, I just have to actually get off my ass you know.

Moreover, I've decided school or not I'm moving out in January because I've had enough of people's shit. That and I wish I knew a ballet dancer... a boy ballet dancer.
Comments (5) | Permalink