Saturday, April 2, 2005

Something Wicked This Way Comes

I want to be close.
I want his breath on the back of my neck.
I want to be so close my eyelashes graze his skin.
I want to taste his lips.
I want his hand to slip up the back of my t-shirt.
I want him to lick the back of my knees.
I want to kiss the length of his spine.
I want him to tug at my hair.
I want him to crush me underneath him.
I want our legs and arms intertwined.
I want to circle my fingertips on the palm of his hand.
I want him to bite the skin on my shoulder.
I want to suckle his bottom lip.
I want to feel him hard against me in the morning.
I want to not have to get up.
I want perfect silence.
I want this boy.
I want this boy beside me.
I want this boy inside me.

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Friday, April 1, 2005

Take Me In and Eat Me Out
I'm in the computer lab right now. I've pretty much finished with all my learning, but I don't want to go home and do that home thing. I'm just waiting for time to pass and for me to get tired enough to go home. My sister went to Best Buy yesterday and she bought some CDs, The Bravery's being the one I was really waiting for. I love it a hideous amount and have been listening to it non-stop. It came out Tuesday and we were supposed to go get it then but nothing ever works out as planned. It was only $6.99 though so yea, that's incredibly cheap and this is incredibly good. What's really going to suck is whenever I move out and the fact that I won't be able to take her CDs with me :( All that shopping :/ Anyway, I need a fake ID. For whatever reason a lot of the clubs I used to go to are changing their policy to 21+ which completely sucks because I'm only a lousy 19. I'm pretty sure Revolver switched over because they got really popular after they switched to the Pawnshop Lounge and Paris Hilton attended their opening night. So they switched over to 21+ a couple of weeks ago and it pisses me off because where am I supposed to get fondled by a thousand strangers all at once?!??! Oooooh well ::sighs::

My math professor is a weirdo who punches me in the arm each time he sees me. It hurts and I'm starving but I'm broke and I really need a job. I'm really feeling the brokeness at the moment. My sister in law told me I should go work at the Hard Rock casino with her. $200 a night just in tips is pretty fucking spiffy. So yea, I need a job and for $200 I would not mind being a waitress to perverts.
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Thursday, March 31, 2005

We Can't Trust

Someday Soon
by
The Doves


Someday soon you’ll know how it feels to love someone

All my love and all my heart go with you
Just look into my eyes and what can you see
That all my love and all the time keep with me
I keep them with me

Someday soon you’ll know how it feels to love someone
Someday soon you’ll know how it feels to trust someone

Seven days and seven nights I thought of
Empty streets and bright lights he’s walking
So why is it the ones we love we can’t trust
We can’t trust

Because someday soon you’ll know how it feels to love someone
Someday soon you’ll know how it feels to trust someone
To trust someone

It's been a while since I loved someone
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Wednesday, March 30, 2005

   I Got Nothing
I'm so horribly disappointed, horribly so. The show sucked some serious ass. Why, you may ask. Because I got there late and didn't get to see Say Anything perform. In my defense I thought we were early because according to the site the show started at nine. But come nine I ask the guy at the door if they've performed yet since I see some kids walking away with t-shirts and he tells me they just finished. Total downer :( I wasn't about to pay $10 to go inside and get a t-shirt either so yea Charlie, I suck. I know this all too well. I ended up going to Fridays because my sisters were hungry, but I feel sooo disappointed. This was what kept me going through all of today. In the morning, at school, at home, in the car and then BAM! No show for you! It hurts ::cries:: My sister also kept making fun of me so yea :( I feel your pain Megan, I feel it real bad. I would have been able to see them had I left as early as I initially planned to, but since I can't drive and waiting for my sisters to get ready and having to go to the bank because it turns out I'm the only one that has money, well everything got screwed up. I'm sad and horny... but mostly sad.

In other news though, I only have a month of school left. Three magical months of summer, ten of those days being spent all by my lonesome, thank God, in Chicago. I was going for seven, but it turns out it's cheaper if I do the ten so yea :) I wasn't sure I wanted to do this on my own, but recently I couldn't give a rat's ass about the people whom I hang out with on a regular basis. I feel like being alone a lot and you can't get anymore alone than in some strange city with people you don't know :) Also, if I manage to come home alive and not pregnant, I think it'll help to prove that I really can take care of myself if I want to which I do so yea. Yea. I have plans and stuff. My dad is seriously selling the house now and I think it's the perfect time to start branching out. I feel like I have a lot to prove to people, that I'm not this babied spoiled thing that could never manage on her own. So yea, stuff ::shrugs::
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Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Almost Forgot Myself
It’s ridiculously easy to be in love. On the hierarchy of needs as according to Abraham Maslow it’s right in between the need to be safe and self esteem therefore you cannot love if you are not safe and you cannot achieve a healthy level of self esteem if you do not love. It fits somewhat naturally between the two. I’ve always thought it’s amazing how instinctive is to love. I think the real trial would be finding the safety, that place where the pain isn’t as bad and you can always come back. Loving comes easy after that. Even if it’s never happened before, even if up to this point in time love from anyone was something completely unfeasible, once the gears start grinding it’s really not hard at all. Affection, gratification, understanding, loyalty and those things that should come with falling irrevocably in love with someone can all be easy things to offer and receive, they have been for me anyway. I wonder though, if once the love is gone do the wheels start moving backward? Is self esteem shot to shit and do you feel unsafe everywhere you can possibly go? Do you have to start again, rebuild the safety net to find the love? Where do I stand at this moment in time? I feel like my self esteem is fine, but I don’t feel safe and while I love I am not loved back. It’s so easy to fall for someone, the "right" someone. You think you know what to do, you think that in the end all that matters is the loving part, the fact that you’ve never stopped despite everything. Is that really what matters? It is advised that you love with your brain...

I’m not sure what else to say about that. I was reading my psychology book at my uncle’s house and Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs stuck with me. Romance seems like a really dead concept at the moment. I’m not using myself as an example really as my tales of “romance” are all but sad, pathetic and barely existent. I can pinpoint the relationships I’ve grown up with and the horrible truths revolving around them though. My mother and father, my sister and her dick-head of a boyfriend, my brothers and their girlfriend, aunts and uncles and really the list goes on and on. I’ve been raised by suffering wives and cheating husbands. I don’t want to believe that this is what’s left for me, but I have no example that gives me hope and the boy that did make me think maybe they weren’t all cheating pieces of dogshit got tired of waiting for me so yea. At the moment I am cynical and skeptical and hearing some stranger tell me that I'm sooo pretty is nothing but bullshit rather than a compliment. I have no patience to be swept off my feet because I'm not falling for it again, not now anyway.
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Monday, March 28, 2005

Teach Me
I just woke up maybe 15 minutes ago and I've washed my face and brushed my teeth and gotten ready for school. Yea, I can do it that fast ::nods:: I had a dream that the current object of my obsession was my English teacher. I was back in highschool and yea, there was something incredibly attractive about watching him tell me what to do, submissive fantasy heaven!! What I remember with most vivid detail is that I wasn't wearing any underpants and I made sure I sat right at the front of the class and yea... I'm horny this morning and I'm probably always horny but not as horny as I am this morning. I'm sure this will make school a real pleasure though, so yea :/ I could really go for a random kidnapping.

In other news I went up to 82 yesterday and today I'm back down to 84 lol. I really don't care what my rank is, but I have been fluctuating a lot. Not to mention the river of comments I've been recieving... or more like rivulets. I'm not asking people to comment either, it's just an observation. The last thing I want to do is guilt people into commenting in myO. That's a level of patheticness I hope to never achieve. Whatever the case, I'm pretty sure I had no homework, but I get this feeling that that assumption is wrong so yea... I really don't want to go to school. I'd love to curl up in bed and have some random incredibly dirty blue eyed blonde boy sneak into my bed and do incredibly dirty things to me. ::sigh:: If only if only.
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Sunday, March 27, 2005

GWINETH PALTROW'S HEAD IN A BOX HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
It's one minute away from 5am and I'm nowhere near tired. I'm not sure why, well actually it probably has something to do with getting up at three in the afternoon yesterday but yea. It's the weekend and I don't get to do this often so yea. At the moment I am listening to "Babe I'm Gonna Leave You" by Led Zeppelin on my mp3 player and reading some Power Puff Girl thing Alan linked me to. The drama and Gir :) I'm in this weird giddy excited horny mood. The head phones for this thing are so damn invasive though, I feel like my ears are being raped and after wearing them for a while it seriously feels like the size of my ears has expanded. I need new ones before my brains slips out!!

School is only one day away. I'm looking forward to summer so badly. I like learning, but getting up at 5am is starting to really get to me. Moreover my dad is back and his bullshit as well. He got super drunk last night at a friends house and ended up passing out in the boy's bedroom before he could make it to my mom's. Luckily the children decided they wanted to sleep with their mom then and I was fucking around with Alex because that's what we do. This morning he told me he wants me to e-mail lawyers. I'm not sure why me and for what reason, but if I don't I'll have to hear a lot of crap and I'm just not in that type of mood. I'll figure I'll get around to that tomorrow or something. I owe the hospital $500 more which brings the total amount of money I owe my sister to a whopping $1200 because of that damn hospital bill. What six stitches and no insurance will do to you. I hate hospitals and doctors and all these dick heads that want money. My sister says I can start paying her back after my trip to Chicago which is incredibly gracious of her considering she has her own plethora of bills to pay. She's a better parent than any of my parents could ever be. ::shrug::

I'm tired, finally and I'll be off to bed soon.
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Saturday, March 26, 2005

::shakes fist::
I went from an 81 to an 84 overnight. That hurts, doesn't anybody love me anymore?? Visit Me!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to come up with some new trendy attention ploy. ::thinks:: I realize that it's mostly my fault for not posting as regularly as I used to, but I'm tired of writing these "my day went like this" type of posts and I'm definately tired of writing "My emotions are this today" type of posts so yea. I've been half-assing too much for too long!! Anyway, I have to clean my room...


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Thursday, March 24, 2005

Gonna Play With the Braids that you Came Here with Tonight
My dad comes back today and that's not cool 'cuz he's not cool. Otherwise I have nothing of importance to note. I'm in between classes at the moment, math in 15 minutes or so. I'm not sure who's taking me home today. The other day I spent two hours at the Metro waiting for someone to pick me up. It was too reminiscent of that time in highschool where everyone forgot me and it took me three hours to walk home. I was tired and sweaty! I took both my Psychology and and Humanities test yesterday. I got a B on the Psychology which makes me warm and happy inside. I'm getting by in school, mediocre style yo! There are just about seven weeks to this semester left though which is great :) A part of me is disappointed because I really don't give a rat's ass about anything but money at the moment and have been letting other things around me go to the crapper. I'm also under the impression that I've gained some weight, but I like to eat so o well.

Before my brother was arrested he used to collect comic books and trading cards. When he got involved with gangs and got to cool for all that stuff though it passed on to me. Yesterday I was looking through most of the stuff and realized I can't really remember what any of them were about. It's not a huge collection, I'd say something like 60-70 comic books. I read them all when I was younger. I used to buy my own stuff too, but eventually they closed the comic book shop and Miami has a serious lack of stores that sell stuff for little nerd girls and boys. A couple of months ago they opened a shop a store or two down from the old shop I used to go to. I'm always saying I'm going to go but I never get around to it because I don't have a car and I'm usually running severely low on cash :( Anyway, I have some money and I was planning on going this weekend, for real this time. Yesterday I spent a huge part of my day scanning in the covers of my brothers old comic books for no particular reason. My trading card collection is by far much bigger, by the way. I love that to death heh.
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Tuesday, March 22, 2005

You Can Take Me Anywhere Your Sick Mind Wants To
I'm in school, OMFGWTF?!?!?!??? I had a four day weekends this week, but I was sick for one of those days so yea. I'm not that bad <_<;; The only reason I managed to get here today was my math test that wasn't allowed to be made up at a later time. Sometime after English I have to call my Psychology professor and explain how sick I am and that if I could take the test later in the week. I was so completely unprepared and around three am today I decided I'd just take it Thursday with a better grasp of the material and without a leaky private part. I already spoke with my humanities professor so I'll be making up that test today or tomorrow, I'll pass by her office after English today to see. At least I'm not doing horribly in any of my classes, although I have a feeling I got a lower grade than desirable on my math test. He didn't teach us how to factor binomials with different variables!! Trickery! Unless he taught that on Friday or Monday when I was absent which he would do because he likes to punish those people that don't attend class...

I think a lot. And the way I picture my thought process is like a movement, like an orb of light floating from spot to spot a lot faster than it should. Lately my thought process just kind of hovers in one spot though or rather, it's like a spot with a million sub-divisions. So I've reached this point where I know someone means as much to me as I hope I will to someone, one day. I've forced myself to get used to the fact that it's not going to be him. It hurts a lot, but I can finally picture myself with someone that isn't him and living a life that doesn't revolve around being completely alone and bitter and all that good stuff. The thing is it's hard to picture myself actually caring about this other person to any real extent... Like this feeling I have inside is for one person and can only be felt once and it never happens again. Like I know that no matter what happens this current person will always be the person I wanted and couldn't have and it almost feels like anyone after him is settling and I don't want to settle, I want what I want. Does this make any sense?

I'm looking forward to Say Anything next Tuesday a lot more than I thought I would be looking forward to them :)
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