Monday, April 11, 2005

Kiss My Ass Goodbye
To clarify the cheating bit I've never done that. I don't plan on doing it either. But in my head where things are ten times as dramatic as they should be just thinking about someone that isn't the person you're with classifies as cheating. I've never been with someone and liked someone else and I never want to be with someone who's with me because they can't be with another person. I think it's a very unfair thing to do, not just to the person you're going out with but yourself too. I don't want to settle, the boys I have had something of a relationship with I liked completely and utterly, especially the last one. I don't think I'm picky because I don't fall for what would be considered the perfect specimen of a man, I usually don't know I like you until it's too late. I mean I don't expect to be with someone that's perfect, but I can't bring myself to be with someone when I know that the feelings I have for that other someone are as strong as they ever were. I don't like and I don't date. You're basically my friend one day and the love of my life the next, as foolish as that sounds. I mean, I've never had a real boyfriend. I'm usually some kind of secret, but despite that I take who I allow to make me a secret very seriously. In my head it's usually for the long run. I want to be with one person for the rest of my life. It probably won't happen and I do understand that I'm prone to getting my heart broken, but I still want it which is why I'm not with anyone right now. I get that it's over, nobody gets it more than I do, but until I can fall asleep without wishing he was next to me I'm not interested in anybody. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be with someone just to be with someone.

Anyway, today feels like it's been a hideously long day. I woke up at six for some job interview type thing. I did take a nap, but I still feel bogged down and tired. I have something of a cold/cough coming on that's been driving me crazy... Than and I just got the hiccups :/ I had a paper due for humanities tommorrow but I didn't do it. I'm not sure why, I just wasn't up to it. I figure I'll turn it in late. I was supposed to go to a frat party last night, but I decided not to because I wasn't in the mood. On Friday I went to Andrew's house and we threw him a surprise bash and watched Shaun of the Dead. I do know it's funny, but I still had a nightmare involving zombies so yes. I'm just a tiny little wuss. Tomorrow I have class bright and early but I'm not sleepy, tired but not sleepy. My sister still isn't speaking to me, by the way. ::shrugs:: Ridiculousness.
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Sunday, April 10, 2005

Here I Go Again
A couple of days ago in English my professor was talking about cause and effect. He was on a tirade about why we do things so he asked me, why are you taking this class? I said to him, because it's a requirement. He asked me, requirment for? And I said, my degree. And he said, why do you want a degree? And I shrugged because I don't really want a degree, I just figure it's one of those things I should have. I don't really have anything of a solid idea as to what I want to do. I mean, I like to do lots of things and so I want to study lots of things, but I don't think there's one thing I'd like to get up every morning to do. I mean, I guess I really don't have a choice. All I know right now is that I want to live in Chicago for the time being, but I can't even imagine living in Chicago for more than a couple of years because that would be boring. My thinking says Chicago would be good for school, Chicago would be good for finally being on my own and learning all those life lessons and shit. Career wise I'm mostly interested in artsy fartsy shit. I like to write, I love to write, but I don't want to get tired of it, I don't it to be my job because then I have to do it and that totally kills the feeling I get from it now. Graphic Design lingers in the back of my head because I did that for so long in highschool. I like it, outside of the advertising aspect. I don't want to design toilet paper logos, that's depressing in more ways than one. I was always best at book and cd covers and I think that's mostly because I like to read and I like to listen to music. I once thought I'd like to own something like a book store or a music store, but I think that takes some knowledge of numbers and as is evident from my current remedial math class exam results I suck at numbers. Thank god for fingers. So yea, I'm confused and I wish I didn't have to choose.

It's very plausible, at the moment, that someone I know wants to get in my pants. I have no desire to get into anyone's pants and I'm thinking if I did it's very possible, at the moment and even in the long run, that I might cheat on you. So stear away children because I'm a bad girl. I'm going to Chicago for ten days. I mean, lord knows what kind of naked mischief I'll be getting my pretty self into.
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Saturday, April 9, 2005

Cling
I'm hideously bored.

Uncertain Smile
by
The The

Peeling the skin back from my eyes, I felt suprised
that the time on the clock was the time I usually retired
to the place where I cleared my head of you;
but just for today, I think I'll lie here and dream of you

I've got you under my skin where the rain can't get in,
but if the sweat pours out, just shout I'll try to swim and pull you out.

A howling wind blows the litter as the rain flows,
As street lamps pour orange colored shapes through your windows,
a broken soul stares from a pair of watering eyes,
uncertain emotions force an uncertain smile...

I've got you under my skin where the rain can't get in,
but if the sweat pours out, just shout I'll try to swim and pull you out
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Pay Attention to Me
Hey

I love you.
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Friday, April 8, 2005

Basic
I think I did horribly on my math exam yesterday. I felt like I knew what I was doing, but then I wasn't completely sure and god damn fractions with whole numbers. I feel slightly stupid but o well. We watched Carrie and The Night of the Living Dead in English afterwards which meant I had a hard time forgetting zombies when it came time for me to go to bed, which might I add I feel I've been doing too early. I king of collapsed on my stuff at around 9:30 yesterday, single digit hour. I'm not eighty!! So yea, I want to stop that because although I'm not as tired in the morning I feel like I'm missing everything...

My sister's mad at me for the stupidest reason on earth and has stopped speaking to me. The story goes like this. I'm reading Vamped in my room and thouroughly enthralled when she comes in and starts punching my arm and being generally annoying. So I say, "God you're such a dumbass." And that's it, that was ALL. She cursed me out and told me I couldn't sleep in her room and slammed the door. I mean, how ridiculous is that. Pretty fucking ridiculous if you ask me. I just kept on reading my book and slept in my bed.

Speaking of books, I finished Vamped while waiting for my humanities teacher to show up today. It liked it a lot, usually books that span several years and start out really good have a way of getting bogged down in details but not so this time. I liked the ending because it wasn't that usual enigma-ish dark mysterious dun dun dun ending a lot of vampire books seem to have. It was cool, I liked ::nods::

School's over and done with in a couple of weeks and I'm pretty excited. Today it's been raining all day and as much I love rain, it's no fun when all you get to do is stare at it from the window of your ultra boring math class. My feet are cold too. I wore sandals, but my other option was sneakers. A soggy sock encasing a soggy shoe, no thanks. I feel I'm doing pretty decently as far as grades go. I'm thinking As and Bs, although math is weird. Since it's for stupid people I need a grade of S... yea, I'm that stupid ;_; But I write okay ::comforts herself::

I have $300 in the back, plus $200 my sister owes me so hrm. ::calculates::
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Thursday, April 7, 2005

Boo
We're talking about personality disorders in psychology and I'm afraid I'm insane... That'd be really uncool and lame. I have a test in math in about twenty minutes that I'm really not looking forward to. I think I have a good grasp of the material, but I'm also retarded and possibly insane so hrm. I have to go to Kristie's house because I promised I'd make her a blonde. My hair is horrible. It's leaning toward blonde and it's dry. I'm going to cut it soon, a nice brown bob. I'm letting my natural color grow out because I miss it. It's been years since I last saw it and the roots are quite flattering if I do say so myself. Old men are creepy, thank God I never had grandfathers. I've been reading Vamped non-stop and I love love love it. It's just absolutely good and puts all other vampire books to shame. I always thought Lestat, created by Anne Rice, was the worse vampire on earth. He was such a whiny wimp and far too femenine for my tastes. I thought Louis was by far the better vampire. I've been jotting stuff down, ideas. I need to start jotting down things I want to do on my upcoming trip. My pants are too low and you can see a lot of bare back when I sit. No plumber's crack though so it's all good. I need money.
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Wednesday, April 6, 2005

High and Dry
Everyone seems depressed tonight and my chest feels compressed and tight and lacking lacking lacking. I could go on forever but I don't feel like it.
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Tuesday, April 5, 2005

Dreamy
I just saw a video for a song from NIN's new album. I did not manage to catch the name of the song though, sadly. It was good nonetheless. I also saw The Bravery's "An Honest Mistake" which I really liked. It's basically just them singing and this very elaboratly placed set of Dominos. I like music videos, they're like itty bitty movies that don't have to make sense and have an awesome soundtrack... hopefully. MTV doesn't even try to give decent music videos anymore, I mean they scarcely give any at all. Their time slots are dominated by a thousand different versions of the Real World. MTV2 is better, but lately it's been following that same treacherous path. They do have on amazingly good show called Subtarranean that they give on Sundays [maybe Saturdays, I'm not sure] at midnight. Jim Shearer is the host. He interviews a band and in between that they show some pretty good videos. They even showed something by Federico Aubele, Spanish music on English tv is very rare. Bands he's interviewed include Rilo Kiley, Muse, and a mess of other stuff that is cool.

I finished my book yesterday. It was great and I think all of you should go out and buy it. It's just so funny, it would make the world a better place ::nods:: Today I started on Vamped by David Sosnowki. It's a vampire book, but it's actually really good. I'm about half way through the first half. It's witty and touches on a vampire's paternal clock, at least so far. I really like the cover, it's a slightly crunched black and red juice box with the letter V on it on a plain white background. For whatever reason it gets me thinking on those days in Graphic Design, when I very briefly had talent. O well.

My house is freezing. My mom keeps pumping up the fucking AC and I'm wearing a freaking sweater. God damn hot flashes.
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Monday, April 4, 2005

Dummy
For whatever reason this past weekend I just had this raging pain right at the small of my back. I couldn't do much of anything and ended up spending my weekend confined to some sort of bed or chair. It was even bad enough so that I said no to Barnes and Noble ::nods:: It's gotten better though. My mom says that it's probably not my back and actually my kidneys because I drink too much soda and all that. So I've cut back on soft drinks and junk food in general and I do feel much nicer. I miss the chocolate though :(

Anyway, I started reading The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientist by Gideon Defoe on the train this morning and am very nearly done with it. I've mentioned it before on here when I first bought it. It's just so insanely good, it made me literally laugh at loud. It has this wonderful non-sensical humor going on. If I had to compare the style to anyone's it would have to be Shin. Immediately after reading the first chapter I was reminded of him. It's a great read. I could tell the moment I read the author's bio. "Gideon Defoe, who lives in London, is twenty-eight. He wrote The Pirates! to convince a woman to leave her boyfriend. She didn't." It's chock full of silly dry humor, I love it and want to have it's child. Now. You all should to!!

I got my hands on Portishead's NYC Live CD and it all just makes me want to have slow hot horny sex. Woah is me.

EDIT: This Friday, I think, my sister said she's go to Chicago with me and I agreed because she scares me and I couldn't say no. I love my sister, but I want to make this trip on my own to prove to the disbelievers that I am capable of taking care of myself. So after Charlie and Alan pumped me up I finally got around to saying, "I kind of wanted to go alone," to which my sister replied, "Ok. My dad's an annoying prick." I really really twisted and turned over this, I even made a list of arguments and she didn't even really want to go. I'm such a fucking wuss ^_^;;
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Sunday, April 3, 2005

In Shadows of Sulfer
I had some horrible dream and my back is killing me. :/
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