Wednesday, April 20, 2005

try as he might
he’s unable to speak
he grabs her by the hair
he strokes her on the cheek
the bed is unmade
like everything is
dark little heaven
at the top of the stairs
take me like that ruin it all
then build it up again
by the light in the hall
he drops to his knees
says “please my love please”
i’ll kill who you hate
take off that dress you won’t freeze

one more night
that was a good one
one more night
i dreamed it was a good one
one more night, one more night
that was a good one
one more night
the end should be a good one...

he starts with her back
cause that’s what he sees
when she’s breaking his heart
she still fucks like a tease
release to the sky
look him straight in the eye
and tell him right now that you wish he would die
you’ll never touch him again
so get what you can
bleeding him empty
just because he’s a man
so when it ends
they’ll never be friends
one more night
that’s all they can spend
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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

But You're Pretty When You're Mine
My mom has been making me drink shots of rum and honey at different intervals of the day all day today because of my bad cough. According to my sister this has made me tipsy. I feel pretty normal, with the exception of this tingly achy feeling at my joints, but she says I'm acting sillier than usual. I threw her some Mardi Gras beads, but I didn't aim right and hit her in the eye. No boobies for me :( I spent a lot of today catching up on old homework that's due tomorrow. My journal is no where near finished though so I guess I'll have to suffice with a B. I wrote an essay on the soul that felt like it was complete bullshit. I think in all my years of schooling I've probably quoted the Simpsons far too much then is necessary. I have my last Psychology test tomorrow as well that I feel unprepared for. In theory I should be studying right now, but I can't bring myself to crack open that book again. I only missed one lecture so I shouldn't do too bad. Hopefully hopefully.

I'm so glad this semester is nearly done. I didn't do as good as I'd hoped, but o well. I may end up taking some classes in the summer, but if I do it'll be during the second summer semester so I can have at least a month and a half of rest. I got a financial aid award letter for $1500 so that's pretty nifty. Times are desperate for cash so yea.

I've just marinated two whole chickens that I will cook tomorrow. Who says I can't take care of myself? I can cook!!

Edit: New Order is releasing a new CD, Waiting For the Siren's Call, on April 26th. I've been listening to Krafty off it and I like it a lot and I'm excited now. Hopefully I have a job by then.
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Monday, April 18, 2005

Arrrr Matey!!
So I had my job interview at Sam Ash today and it did go suprisingly well. I ended up talking to the guy about artistic integrity and being a writer and books and bla bla bla. Customer Service is full so he asked me if I'd mind working in the warehouse and I said no because I actually wouldn't. The less I have to deal with people the better. We shall see how it all turns out, I think he liked me so yea. I had to fill out this questionare type thing and pretty much every question was "Have you ever stolen anything from work?" Anyway, if I did get the job it'd be pretty easy. He told me to call back in a couple of days if I hadn't heard from him already so yea.
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Sunday, April 17, 2005

My Animatronic Sex Toy
Today I'm tired. I feel sick and I hate it. I don't think I've ever taken so much cough syrup in all my life. My chest hurts, my throat is sore, my brain feels like it's knocking about my cranium. I'm tired, but I'm not tired. I'm tired of Miami. The parties and the cuban food get old real fast. It's a superficial place, there's no substance. It's not my kind of town, it's never felt right here. Maybe I'm just looking for excuses, but I don't think I need an excuse anymore and maybe that's an excuse in and of itself. Whatever, who cares. I'm really ok with leaving the nest egg. I've never been a homebody heh.

On a different note, I'm not eating out anymore because one: I could spare the pounds and two: I can't spare the cash. Actually as far as pounds go I wouldn't know because I don't weigh myself. I think scales are horrible things and they destroy girl's egos. I got a fat ass but boys like it so eh. I find it distressing that I'm tired as fuck after I climb three flights of stairs though. I swear I had much more stamina in highschool and god damn it's not even been a year since graduation. I went to the gym and I fucked up my foot lol. I mean I can walk, it was the sneaker. It peeled the skin off the back of my heel and I didn't feel it until I got off the treadmill and I nearly fell down from the pain. Closed shoes are for losers. Chancletas are where it's at.

Next week I have so much shit to do and I'm just dreading it. I actually have a shitload of stuff to do right now that I'm just avoiding like the plague. I'm lazy and unmotivated and thinking. So much stuff seems to be happening so fast, but then again it's like I'm stuck in this place where things just seem to drown me. I don't mind the quickness with which things seem to go by, I just wish I had a better knack of handling them without having to retreat to a corner to cry the stress out lol. I'm studying like a maniac. I wish I were better at it though.

Yesterday and today and the day before that I think about that guy and how easy it is for someone to move on and how easy it is for someone else not to. I cry a lot and it's really not a big deal because I cry about everything. I'm just a giant tear drop waiting to happen, but when it's about him and what I've lost it really hurts in this strange place inside my chest. I understand why people say there are other people out there for me and that he's not the only one that'll ever make me feel the way I did and it's not that I don't agree with it but it feels like people take for granted how much this actually meant to me. That it's one of those things that can only happen once because if you could just have it over and over and over again then it wouldn't be as special as it is. I'm ok with that, it hurts but I don't want a repeat. I don't want something that'll make this feel less important or make him seem less spectacular. I think that's humanly impossible anyway so hrm.
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Saturday, April 16, 2005

Unhealable Baby
I'm falling in love with Björk all over again. It's nice.

Sunday is gloomy, the hours are slumberless
Dearest of shadows I live with are numberless
Little white flowers will never awaken you
Not where the dark coach of sorrow has taken you
Angels have no thought of ever returning you
Would they be angry if I thought of joining you?

Gloomy Sunday

Gloomy sunday, with shadows I spend it all
My heart and I have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be prayers and candles are lit, I know
Let them not weep, let them know,that I'm glad to go

Death is a dream, for in death I'm caressing you
With the last breath of my soul, I'll be blessing you

Gloomy Sunday

Dreaming
I was only dreaming
I awake and I find you asleep and deep in my heart
Dear...
Darling, I hope that my dream hasn't haunted you
My heart is telling you how much I wanted you

Gloomy Sunday
It's absolutely gloomy sunday
Gloomy Sunday
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Friday, April 15, 2005

So Yea
So I didn't go to school today either... But I woke up and it was like my head was doing this wah-wah-wah thing. I couldn't even will myself out of bed. I feel like shit, my throat is sore and I have this horrible dry cough. I seriously get into it for a couple of minutes, just coughing to the point where I can feel that little vein by my temple pulsating. It's miraculous that I haven't choked on a kidney or something. I can't go to class and choke on my kidney, I'd be disrupting the learning environments and I'm not sure that's acceptable. What really sucks is that this coming Tuesday I have my last Psychology test so I missed his last lecture and the review. I have no idea how I'm gonna get through math and I have a very sneaking suspicion that I'm gonna fail this class. I'm not too worried because since it's remedial it doesn't affect my GPA and the credit doesn't even transfer to Columbia so yea. English I have in the bag, everything I've turned in I've gotten As on and the only thing I missed this week was a definition essay that I know I can make up very easily. My Humanities' test is easy, it's this last summary I'm having a real problem with. I doubt I'm failing the class, but I'm not aiming very high either. I just can't summarize things, I suck :( I'm not even sure I'm going to school tomorrow, at the moment I'm having coughing fits every one and a half to two minutes so yea.

In other news I'm not sure if my parents are getting divorced, they are getting seperated though. The big debacle right now is that he's selling the house and he doesn't want to give my mom any money for it even though both their names are on the papers. Right now my mom is working cleaning houses, she sold her car and my brother's sending her money from Nicaragua. She's going to take a trip over there to see him and when she comes back she's leaving to NY permanently because she has family over there and it'd be really easy for her to get a good job. Meanwhile my sister Lucy is speaking to me again and we got into it today. Apparently she's just a couple thousand bucks from having enough to move to NY as well which I think is great because it's what she's always wanted. My other sister Mari pretty much has a job now again so she'll be moving out in a couple of months with her little battalion of boys. So seeing as everyone is pretty much splitting up I'm leaving to Chicago in January because it just seems like a good time to finally branch out. I was gonna wait 'til Fall 2006 but if I do I'd have to stay with my dad and I think I'd rather sell myself on the black market. What's been driving me crazy and getting me down is the amount of fights it feels I'm constantly surrounded by. I'm pretty much neutral ground because in short, I don't care so it feels like everything goes through me. Well I do care but I'm not getting my panties in a bunch about it [if I were wearing panties] because what's the point. My dad's being an asshole but when hasn't my dad been an asshole. My parents should have been getting seperated a long time ago. Actually they did, but they got back together. Stoopids!

I wish I could say something like thank god it's Friday, but I haven't been to school in four days, possibly five so yea. I could really make a career out of sleeping in.
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Thursday, April 14, 2005

Hardly
I have an interview at Sam Ash on Monday. Is Sam Ash like a nation-wide store? I'm not sure, just in case for those of you that don't know it is a store [wow, really!!] that sells instruments. I sent in my application to the post office at the post office and the clerk gave me pointers and stuff for the test. I rented Dr.Zhivago so I can start my report tomorrow. I coughed up my lungs and it hurts a lot. The only medicine we have is stuff that puts me to sleep and if I take that I doubt I'll be able to get up tomorrow for school. My mom doesn't have gas and she's really broke so she called me to ask my dad to take me to school tomorrow [at the time she was buying toilet paper in Wal*Mart]. So I asked my dad and he says, "Well you'll figure something out," and he closed his door in my face. I asked my sister Mari and she said she would. My sister Lucy still isn't talking to me. My mom told her to stop being a brat, but whatever. I'm not sure if I wrote this on here but I let my mom borrow $50 because of how lacking in the cash department we are right now. My dad is making money but he refuses to give her any and it's not like she's blowing it all on shoes and clothes or something. Our refrigerator is completely empty, we have no shampoo, no toilet paper, no nothing. He doesn't care. What pisses me off the most is that he won't even give her money to buy a fucking carton of eggs but he still eats the food like he deserves it or some shit. My mom called him on it and it just started this huge fight. He was talking all this bullshit about calling a lawyer to see who gets the house, him or my mom. I can't stand him right now.

I feel relatively lonely. I'm not sad, I'm not crying as much. I'm irritable a lot and I feel stressed out but yea, what can you do.
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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

This is Not My Life
I had this dream that aliens came to my house and told us they were gonna eat us. We didn't want them to eat us so we offered them like a huge piece of lamb and they were impressed until they found out the meat was actually pork. So the alien got really mad and told us to get ready because they'd be back in a couple of hours and they were gonna be hungry. Sooo apparently these aliens only ate you if you were at a moment of high adrenaline from dancing so we were all listening to depressing sad music, but somehow one of the kids put on this really fast hard rock song I can't remember. I kept trying to turn it off but apparently the alien had a magnet controlling the radio dial. Anyway, I left the bathroom and grabbed my mp3, crawled to my sister's room and hid out with her and the kids listening to A Fond Farewell by Elliot Smith when I see a UFO flashing red in the distance through the window. Then I woke up. That dream was odd and as soon as I woke up I was like, "why didn't we drive away O_o?" I remember some scenes we were surrounded by swamp, but toward the end it was our regular house. Anyway after that I had a dream that was like the life and death of Kurt Cobain. His wife, who wasn't Courtney Love, was running around with him when some fat chick called her like a paleskined dark haired Jewish looking goth. So he came to defend her and instead he just kissed the fat chick which got her in trouble with her boyfriend and according to Kurt he'd beat her now or something. So his girlfriend went inside a house to a party when I came out of my house to buy some milk at the corner store. He asked me something and then was telling me that someone was making fun of him and called him Bent Bobain or some shit like that. All of a sudden some store with the word Garcia on it lights fire and he throws a rock at it. His shoe lights on fire and he dies, the end. I had a lot more, but I don't really remember them. I think I've been having these because I'm sick and it's usually in the morning after my mom says I'm too sick for school and that she won't drive me 'cuz I'll die which is what she said today. So yea, I've had a five day weekend all of which I've been pretty sick and having funky dreams/nightmares. Hrm.

I have to get my ass to a post office today somehow ::coughs into the distance::
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Mangina
Things are going really bad at home and I'm confused, but I'm not really crying about it anymore. Really I just felt fustrated and wanted to vent. Nothing about what's going on makes me sad, it's just that feeling where you're drowning in a multitude of emotions. It doesn't really matter, I don't like to complain anyway and the only person I really feel comfortable talking about this with has been unavailable for a while so yea, whatever. I filled out some work applications today and am dropping them off tomorrow as well as picking up some more. I just reallt want a job, I'm so tired of depending on my dad. I didn't go to school on Monday or Tuesday and I didn't even start the paper due for humanities. I'm being bad, I know I am. I'm slacking and I feel shitty about it, but I don't care either. I feel entirely apathetic to my teachers and my classes and my classmates and I just want some nice peace and quiet. I want to feel good, like that feeling you get when the guy you like likes you back, but I'd prefer not to involve any guys and just have the feeling lol. I'm going to bed 'cuz I'm slippeh sleepy.
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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Between a Bullet and a Target
So last night I was in the need of a friend, someone to talk to, someone to help me with the load of shit that seems to be flung at me with no chance of a breather or something. I got no one though so instead I cried myself to sleep, skipped school today, went to my old highschool with Orestes, ate taco bell and looked at sex books in Barnes and Noble. There's a slight chance that I could get a job at Sam Ash which would rock because it's ridiculously close. Also, I think I'm gonna closet up my emotions again. ::shrugs::

I like Citizen Cope.
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