Saturday, April 30, 2005

The Forest
I wrote this a while ago for English. I had to describe things and this was my attempt. There are some parts of the piece that feel like they don't correctly flow together, but I like it anyway. I'm heart broken right now so it feels appropriate.

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I bump up and down as I drive through that dirt road I used to know so well. In those days the bumping was done in his father’s cherry red pick-up truck, a monster of a machine that felt way too spacious for someone as small as I. It smelled like new leather and aftershave, entirely his father’s scent. Elliott, on the other hand, smelled like soap . . . zest to be exact and a light hint of fabric softener. He was clean and warm. He reminded me of a lemon drop. It always seemed like we drove for hours until we reached the clearing that looked out onto the interstate highway. He listened to NPR on the way and made fun of that hushed whisper of a radio voice NPR disk jockeys just happen to possess. It really wasn’t very funny, but he made me giggle anyway, hard enough so that the sides of my chest felt like they were being squeezed tight. The best part was finally getting there though. They hadn’t gotten around to building lamp posts back then so there was no light pollution. It was just this endless expanse of road, sky and stars and trees. He’d put the car in park so that the engine was just a low rumbling roar and pull down the windows while I settled on the hood. After putting on the songs he knew made me feel in love with him, he’d settle in next to me wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

It’s probably been three years since I’ve been here. The drive is actually only twenty minutes from my mother’s house. I timed myself because for whatever reason I enjoy knowing how long it takes me to do things. I guess it was the build up of anticipation back then that made it feel like hours and days were passing. Being alone with Elliott was a golden opportunity that filled me with all types of bad— no, good thoughts. I’m sitting in my car by myself this time around though, looking out my windshield without really looking at anything. My Camry smells like cigarettes and a desperate attempt to mask that scent with incense. I don’t smoke myself, but I’m a bartender and the scent comes with the line of work. I roll down my window and a fresh breeze hits me immediately, almost like it was waiting for me, to give me something good to breathe. The air outside is cold and dewy, making each breath I take crisp and sharp. The leaves whisper and rustle as I step out of my car.

The rocks underneath my black leather combat boots crunch and click against each other with each of my steps. I slip onto my hood, the cold car metal sends goose bumps up my legs and thighs and to the very base of my neck. I should have worn pants, it was colder than I’d thought it’d be. Back when Elliott was still alive I felt warm all the time. Now, though, it’s as if I’m constantly submerged in ice water. I hug my arms and rub them quickly to try and create some warmth, but to no avail. My skin is smooth and soft though so I caress them a bit longer. I lay back and the trees on either side of me seem to lean in to shield me from the world. Up above me they reach for each other, but their limbs don’t quite get there yet. Between the distance of their branches and lush green leaves I can see the blue-black sky. Not as many stars as before, but I can see three twinkling and one not twinkling at all. I figure if people do become stars like they say than that must be Elliott because he was always the type of guy that was too quiet and subdued to get noticed. Twinkling would be too gaudy for him. I look at Elliott in the sky and Elliott looks at me on earth. Somehow it feels right. He was always something of a celestial being anyway.

It’s 2:27 in the morning. Ever so randomly you hear the swoosh of a car rushing down the wet highway, and see a small wave erupting from underneath their fast tires. The new lamp posts shine a yellow light on the gravel, making the water on it glisten. I sigh and see my breath before me in a lavender haze. A drop of water that had been clinging to a leaf above me falls on my forehead with a plop. It splits in two and rolls down my nose and across my cheek. It’s cold and I get a rush of goose bumps again. I rub the water away with my fist, pressing hard against my face so that I can feel the bone underneath the skin. I climb back into my car and after a moments hesitation turn the engine on.

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Friday, April 29, 2005

Stop.Drop.&Roll.
I'm horny. That's such a horrible word but there really isn't a better substitute to describe the feeling. I want sex. I want to kiss someone and do all those really bad things that'll get you pregnant or worse if you're not careful. Masturbation gets really old and tired even if you don't have anything to compare it to. It kind of becomes this masturbating for the sake of masturbating type of thing and getting off is the hardest thing on earth. Really getting off anyway. There are times when it feels empty, when you know you've come but it doesn't feel good. It's feels... there and like a disappointment and that's what masturbating has morphed into for me. So yea, I constantly want it but there's no satisfaction and I miss it.

I often wish myO had a friends only feature just because most of the people that have been contacting me lately are complete and total idiots. Then I realize these people know things about me and I feel yuck all over. You know, it's the internet so I'm not necessarily writing things in here I wouldn't tell anyone in the world, but it is personal because it does have to do with my person and so it gets annoying when people I've never spoken to just bring things up like I'm directly asking them for advice on life. I don't like it when people I don't know treat me like they know me... I'm not sure that makes sense. It doesn't matter, I'm rambling anyway ::shrugs::
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Thursday, April 28, 2005

150+37
I went to the gym yesterday and burnt up whatever pent us sadness and frustion I might have in me along with a plethora of calories. I feel better in the sense that I don't feel like I'm going to vegetate to death. I have a job interview at the post office on Saturday and I have to go get my police records and thumbprints before then. My sister who has worked for the post office before says they pretty much hire you on the spot, hopefully they still do. It pays $12 an hour so yea. I have a birthday party to attend later on tonight and I have nothing else to say. I'm so boring.

Edit: I'm bring myself down so much and then I remember that in January I'm leaving and it's like my one little ray of light at the end of the tunnel. All the paper work I was going through just now serves as a beautiful reminder that I'm doing this. After all the disappointment I've gone through the last couple of months I can't be swayed to do otherwise and I feel excited and giddy like I did way back when I thought I was going to do it the first time. Yea.
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Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Humming
Most of the time I can manage to act okay emotionally speaking. Then something really really small happens and everything completely unbalances itself and I get this really painful empty feeling inside me. I feel dumb and I feel lonely and what don't I feel, frankly. I don't like this about me. I don't like being this really depressed thing that people pity so I lock up a lot and for the most part I don't tell people about me. I act like everything's okay and I crack the jokes that need to be cracked and talk about sex and masturbation and do those things that are so fucking typical me and it's like I'm watching myself do this and I hate the character I'm playing. I feel like I'm so full of shit. Most nights I cry myself to sleep because most nights that's my only outlet. I feel pathetic and sad and desperate a lot. I'm dissapointed in me 95% of the time. I feel really worthless. I don't really want to hear people tell me that I'm not and it isn't because I don't believe that. Deep inside my head I know I'm wrong and that I'm being dramatic and that all these things I feel about myself I have no real valid reason to feel, but it's there. I don't need advice, I'm not asking for any . Sometimes I just feel like I need someone to act like this matters, someone to just listen because I don't really get to talk all that much. But then... I don't trust half the people willing to lend an ear, not enough to talk about all this in full detail at least and so I just resort to ignoring it all until it blows up in my face.
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Tuesday, April 26, 2005

But You're Already Somebody's Baby
Today I could have slept in till noon. I woke up at ten instead and spent what was left of the morning playing with Alex. Sometimes we're sitting together and he does something like play with my hair or rub up and down my arms and I feel really nice. Like things couldn't get any better than having someone that small and innocent love you that much. Then he takes a shit and ruins the moment, but I guess that the moment was there at all is what really matters. The only thing that makes me sad about leaving Miami is that he most probably won't remember me. I've seen all my other nephews grow up and they've experienced enough with me to remember what I look like and how I am, but Alex is only two and I don't think you really start remembering anything until you're four or five so yea ::shrugs:: I know I'll see him again, but it's never the same. I was with Joshua when he first crawled and when Joey lost his first tooth and I have a million and one stories to tell about the boys and they to tell about me. I've always been in their lives and I can't remember a time where I wasn't carrying someone's kid. It'll be really good to for once to have that non-children spoiled silence, but it's also kind of weird. Like when they left to NY for two months, it was the weirdest empty and the house just felt like it was echoing. It reminded me a lot of when my brother's got arrested, the quiet is nice, but it's also eerie. There's something lacking... Well, that was a crazy tangent that was completely unplanned.

It's my mom and sister's birthday today and it's so sad because we're all so broke we can't do anything about it. Tomorrow is also Joey's birthday and that's even sadder. You really feel it when you're broke on a six year old's birthday :/
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Monday, April 25, 2005

Kill Yourself
I took my math final today and I feel good about it. I only had a slight difficulty with one problem out of thirty and I checked and rechecked to make sure all my signs were right. I think I passed it, I studied a lot and I feel... confident. I was the first to turn in the test, but I'm not sure whether that's good or bad. Tomorrow I have no classes and Wednesday is my last final which I'll begin studying for shortly. I'm a wee bit nervous about my math grade, but what's done is done so yes.

I'm a bit irritable. I can't explain why but the smallest things just annoy me to no living end. ::shrugs::
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Sunday, April 24, 2005

When There's Nothing Left to Burn You Have to Set Yourself on Fire
I'm feeling so hideously romantic and I'm fighting back the feeling to say those things and express those words I'll regret tomorrow morning. ::hushes up::

I ended up registering for both Summer A and Summer B. I'm taking Math and American Jazz and Pop the first term and English Comp 2 and Film History the second term. I still get part of this month and May off and most of August so I'll still be able to go to Chicago. In truth, between the choice of working my ass off in school or listening to my mom and dad's bull shit I'd rather at least learn something.

I'm finally getting better, still coughing here and there but overall a lot of improvement. My mom's still making me drink the rum+honey and it's absolute grossest thing I've ever tasted. Also, for some odd reason immediately I down the shot I get this real achy and painful feeling at my joints.

I did some math studying this morning just after I woke up and I'll probably look over the packet again before I go to bed tonight. There are some problems I really don't understand at all, but the professor told me 95% of the test was factorization and I've got that bit down. I also have Humanities to study for but I'll hit the book for the subject on Monday since the final is on Wednesday. Math worries me tons more anyway.

I've been listening to Set Yourself on Fire by The Stars. I think they're awesome, you can listen to their stuff here. My favorite song off the entire album is One More Night. The combination of the male and female vocals somehow makes it hurt more.

I really want to go to some kind of concert but nothing worth while is hitting anywhere near Miami which in big part one of the biggest reasons I'd love to move to an artsier city. I'm tired of el reggeton. I'm not the type of person to generalize an entire genre of music and say it sucks, but this sucks. This is like someone plunging a bottle brush up your anus.

I really need to clean up my bedroom. I'm so tired of sleeping on half my bed because of the plethora of junk on it. At the same time I can't find the energy to clean anything. I'm such a fucking bum, my physical activity for today was getting up from the couch to come to my bed and vice versa. How disgusting.

I'm done.
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Saturday, April 23, 2005

Meep
I've registered for classes in the summer so I'm taking Math and Music Appreciation. I've been debating whether or not I should also go to the second summer semester. I mean, it's free money. I don't know, I feel like I should get as much done as possible for free before I go and I'd still get close to a month and a half off. It's not like I do anything with my free time but sleep anyway. I have my finals on Monday and Wednesday and the only one that really worries me is Math. What I would give to know about numbers.
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Friday, April 22, 2005

One More Night
You know those dreams that feel so real. Where you can really feel his lips pressed against yours and his hand tracing a slow tentative trail up the small of your back. It's sex on a sunday morning, just the two of you and those clumsy kisses, those hands making you feel new. Soft. Perfect. The entaglement of limbs, in this perfect world where morning breath doesn't exist and the sun casts an ethereal glow on the down of his arms and legs. In that bubble of an existance where everything outside ceases to exist and it's just you and him. I'm not sure I like those dreams all that much anymore.
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Thursday, April 21, 2005

She Still Fucks Like a Tease
I feel pretty horrible this morning. Despite all the shit I've taken to try and healthy myself up my cough has only gotten progressively worse and my head is pounding. I got my period last night as well and I'm in a horrible amount of pain. I forgot to take anything this morning and I didn't feel sick, but as soon as I set foot on the train I could literally feel that pulsating pain at my abdomen, the one that feels like someone stuck their fist in your ovaries and is punching and squeezing the life out of them. I took a math test that was supposed to help our grade and I'm more than positive I bombed it. It was ten questions and half of them looked like they were written in Mandarin or something. I really want to go home but I have English in an hour and my journal is still ten entries short. I feel like I need to be comforted, I feel like I need to lay down and have someone stroke my hair until I fall asleep or feel all better or something. I also feel like throwing up :(
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